I thought it was just me. I wondered what I might be missing or not doing or not aware of. I analyzed all my past history, attachment patterns and experiences, social groups and gatherings and weekly habits. For a time, I thought maybe it was the loss of longtime friendships as a result of the actual Pandemic of 2020. Now I know it was not. There are many "diseases" plaquing American society but of them all I think loneliness is spreading the most rapidly.
It is a common theme now in clinical sessions for clients in their 20’s and 30’s to express in some manner that they are truly lonely. They go about their daily routine, go to school or work, meet up with a friend or two, hit the gym and maybe make a post or three; and at the end of their day as they turn out the lights they feel as if something is missing. They still feel disconnected even though they had interactions with people.
America has an Attachment Disorder
As an attachment specialist who worked with severe Reactive Attachment Disorder, I learned a strange process occurred that was just under the surface of those cases. People often looked at the kids' behaviors and focused the treatment process on that and how to change them; however when I panned out and looked at the larger team including the caseworker, probation officer, foster parents etc, I saw the same dysfunctional behavior patterns amongst the team. So when I took on a case like that, I treated the entire system and found ways to change those larger patterns.
So how does this relate to the loneliness epidemic in America you might ask? Generally, we can view any behavior or problem within a person as being similar to what is experienced or demonstrated in larger organizational structures as you get farther out in that system. In other words, a child can have depression, a family system can also have it, a community and so on and so on as you get father out.
One of the telltale signs of a child having an Attachment Disorder or some variation of it is: superficially charming and engaging behavior. Everything seems good on the surface, but people often walk away from interactions with those kids with a gut feeling that something is not right. There is no depth of conversation, a lack of authenticity and a vague sense that something bad might be coming in the future.
I would argue that that is exactly what those 20’s and 30 somethings are experiencing in their daily lives. They have connections and interact however at the end of the day feel maybe that those interactions were not as authentic as they hoped. They have a sense that they will be left out soon from an event with a friend whom they just had a connection with at the coffee house two days prior. It seems in America that leaving others out because we think others in a group may not like it if that other person shows up is a growing and harmful trend. Im guessing this simply does not occur in other parts of the world as often as it happens here. In other countries, there is a greater sense of community, a greater degree of authenticity in daily interactions, and less fear of hurting others feelings (see blog: The Feelings Avoidance Epidemic:).
When I lived in Turkey in my 20’s, I was traveling to Ankara and our car broke down. We were in the countryside and walked up a road and knocked on a door for help. The family answered the door and said they would help; but insisted we come in first and eat and have tea with them. After a few hours of connection, they came out and fixed the car. I imagine things like this are much more uncommon in the United States.
What do we do about it?
I don't know. I typically have ideas about how to make a shift or change however I generally feel that America may not even realize it is sick, and the disease is spreading fast. I know what I am going to do. My wife and I are starting to think about retiring somewhere else where there is more community and connection and authenticity. As my children embark upon their magical 20’s in the next 10 years or so, I may encourage them to consider starting their lives in a place where community, authenticity and depth of connection are valued above image, status and achievements.
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